Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

no their not

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.