me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
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Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome