Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

The three genders.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

“I’d like to speak with a manager”