Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

🤣😂

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning