Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

I miss this era type of pranks😭

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober