Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Not now. I’m deglazing.

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.