Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.