me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
What?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.