Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Camping tip: No.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

What if all the cashiers are married?

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.