Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.