Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot