Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Finally a use for spoilers…

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair

This encourages me to spend less time in it

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that