Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
People should also put up “NEW CAT” posters around the neighborhood so it’s not all just bad news
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.