Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
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My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
ok this is my dumbest yet
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.