*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
the zen of frog
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?