*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Frog purse.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory