*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.![]()
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
This is the best one I’ve seen
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Just how popey was the pope today?
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morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.