Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
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“Seize the day!”
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DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
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me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Ah..makes sense now
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
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There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
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