Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

i’m still crying at this

[phone rings]

CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer

ME: ?!?

CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid