Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

Does it…does it take 3 days

*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*

ME: hell yeah

13: hell yeah, the classics

*clicks the radio OFF*

ME: you’re grounded

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.