Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Meanwhile in Canada…
congratulations to them
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”