Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.