Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
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If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“What?”
– Jude
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”