Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby