*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry