Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

Good dog. ❤️

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS