Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”