Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
