Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.

Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship