Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

Waiting for the Charmin

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!