Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

Hot Hot Hot

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

it was love at first sight

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda