Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people