Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written