Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.