Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found