Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War