Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
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United Steaks of America
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
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A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
This dude got his own movie?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.