Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan