Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

british sex workers really pound for pound

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner