me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
reviewed some movies recently
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
me logging onto twitter
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’