me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’