me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.