me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m too immature for adultery.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.