Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
rip to my favourite tweet
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Vodka burrito was a success
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Never deleting this app.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.