Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!