Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

yall want some gasoline milk

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder