Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
What the hell is going on?
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.