Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.