me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores