Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Artwork by Herta Burbe

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me