Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
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If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school