Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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The reason Batman doesn鈥檛 cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he鈥檚 white
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I鈥檓 ready to make a bingo card
me: I hope you don鈥檛 mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he鈥檚 being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PI脩ATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You鈥檙e making this weird.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili鈥檚
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
馃槑 馃嵒
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we鈥檝e had complaints that you鈥檙e stalking鈥ait鈥hese are all of me!
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?