ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth
Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral
Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?