Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
