Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

But I really needed water water water

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”