Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
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I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
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I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit