Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho