ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
tourist season
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw