ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Love is in the air fryer.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
want me to check your oil?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: