@TheHyyyype

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

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@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@ReticentTurnip

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

@newLettuce

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

@jake_lach

You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing

@Kunk7

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

@MissNaughty1801

My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you

@faulkingway

(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I’d like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me.
Barista: That will be $30
Me: How much for the car behind him?

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.