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@TheHyyyype: ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
@truegritrumble: WIFE: Don't go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You're not going to believe this.
@SlappNuttz: I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
@salamingia: A U2 album so shitty, even Android won't give it out for free.
@VocabuLarry: Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
@SondraDeeMe: [first date]
ME: I'm from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.