ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
when i was a kid we didn鈥檛 play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it鈥檚 just the paste off my brush”
Me: Just so you know, I鈥檓 DTF right now.
Wife: I don鈥檛 know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Good news class鈥攜ou are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Friend: I can鈥檛 sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can鈥檛 sleep?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 馃榾
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they鈥檝e walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat鈥檚 demands and now he has more.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I鈥檓 gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that鈥檚 sweet
Normally I鈥檓 a curmudgeon who doesn鈥檛 think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine