ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds


I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity


2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser


*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
You’re way too dumb.
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.


Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No


You think you have your anger issues under control until someone starts telling an important story while they’re chewing


Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥


My mother in law:did you put the weight on?
Me:no…actually I’ve lost some. You should have seen me month ago. I looked like you


(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I’d like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me.
Barista: That will be $30
Me: How much for the car behind him?


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.