ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.