ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
You Might Also Like
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently