ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
guys i’ve cracked the code
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.