Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

(Gaming support cat.)

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Proofread twice, hang posters once

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.