Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

i dont have time for this

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

Did…did a minotaur write this

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean