Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.