Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right