Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores