Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free