ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!