ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I can also cook 😂
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street