ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The Others (2001)
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
