ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I like long walks away from everyone
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Nice try, poison.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.