ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You Might Also Like
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
This came to me in a dream.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Thinking about Jeff
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.