Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

*opens fortune cookie*

“REDACTED”

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.