ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit