Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

found this cool rock hiking today

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!